Thursday, October 18, 2001


October 18, 2001
This morning I padded over to my window for my ritual gaze at the river.
I was greeted by a rather unusual sight. A parade of military vehicles
leaving ground zero. They stopped at the check point outside my bedroom
window to have their tires hosed off. It must be cold outside because
there is a bonfire blazing at the corner checkpoint. Strange sight!
The building across the street has yet to be hosed off - the balconies
and window sills still covered with ash. Looking down upon the tree
tops, I notice there are still some papers caught in the branches from
over a month ago when they rained from the sky like giant confetti.
I notice that, despite the numerous cleanings, the side walks still look
dusty. It is remarkable how much cleaner it is, yet when on closer
inspection, one can spot debris on tree trunks and in flower beds. My
window ledge has bits of glass, yellow insulation fuzz and grey gunk on
it. There are discolored cars and some are even missing windows.

Tuesday was my 38th birthday and I forgot all about it until my mother
called. I am usually quite excited about my birthday and begin the day
with ritual birthday dance around my flat to The Sugar Cube's song
"Birthday"! I've always embraced the opportunity to celebrate another
year of life. This year was quite different. It came and went with out
my awareness, without the dance, without the elation. Perhaps when I
feel more like myself, when I feel happy again - I can celebrate on THAT
day. I will call it a re-birthday. I will dance around my flat and eat

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