18 Years Later

"Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief." - John O'Donohue

I wish I had some good news to write.  The rug has been pulled out from under yet again.  On August 30th, my husband Robert died unexpectedly as a result of a sudden heart attack.  We had finally bought our own home in Virginia after 13 years of renting, and just two months after we moved in - tragedy struck.

I met Robert on January 1, 2002.  It was 4 months after the attack on WTC.  My apartment was across the street from ground zero and I was recovering from PTSD.  I was not in an emotional place to get involved with anyone.  He was patient and waited until I was ready to go on a date with him nearly a month later.  What struck me about him was how unaffected he seemed about the horrific scene outside my door.  His calm affect made me feel safe.  We continued to date, a relationship developed, and we fell in love over our shared values. Things moved rather quickly from there. 

In November of 2002 he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  I was scared about getting married.  He said we can do it any way I choose, so I agreed to a domestic partnership first.  He moved into my apartment that Thanksgiving weekend.  I told him that I didn't want a ring, or a wedding, or a honeymoon.  I explained that I am practical and would rather have the security of home for our family and to plant roots.

In the summer of 2003 we talked about having a child.  I knew that due to my advanced maternal age, it was now or never.  He was reluctant, but thankfully reconsidered.  Our first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage which is common.  However, due to my age, and the good fortune of having excellent insurance that covered one cycle of IVF, we decided to give that a whirl.  I began IVF and Robert was offered a job with Legal Aid in Syracuse, so he moved upstate while I stayed back in NYC to continue treatment.  It was hard undergoing IVF without Robert there, but we were both doing what we had to do to build our life together and I had the support of friends.  I did my own shots, and was solo for most of my appointments.  My body only made one egg and the doctor wasn't hopeful but we pushed forward anyway.  I think the hardest moment was the egg transfer.  I wished Robert had at least been there for that.  That is when the doctor inserts the fertilized egg back into the uterus.  It's the defining moment.  I asked the doctor to take a screen shot of our little morula for Robert.  He did! 

I had to remain in NYC because I was considered a high risk pregnancy.  Robert and I got married,  and when my doctor cleared me for travel, and I joined Robert in Syracuse where our beautiful son was born. 

A year later, Robert was offered a job with the Social Security Administration and we moved to Virginia on the day after Christmas.  We've been living there ever since.  After 13 years of renting and moving, last summer we began searching for a home we could afford.  

I made concentric rings on a map and searched those areas until we could find one.  We found a home in rural VA, an hour and a half from where we were living and as it would greatly reduce our cost of living, we took the leap.

Our inspector (red truck) gave us the thumbs up!

We would finally have the security of our own home, we moved in on June 20th.  This was to be our 5th and final move.  Robert died on August 30th.

My son and I are both in shock and deep grief.  After being a homemaker for 13 years, I'm now trying to find a job to be able to pay for a mortgage that was based on my husband's salary.  My hope is to be able to keep the house at least until our son graduates high school so not to uproot him and further traumatize him.  Dear friends of mine arranged a financial planner and he thinks it may be doable.  Sadly, I don't know if I will be able to afford our home long term. 

Dear friends of mine started a gofundme to help with mortgage etc until I find a job and while I await the slow crawl of death benefits.  We are grateful for the generosity as it has enabled us to shelter in place during this tragedy.  Please feel free to share it if you see fit.

In closing, please know that I am doing the best I can.  I'm focusing on being present for my son, and his needs during this horrific time.  I'm trying to, once again, dig out from under, recover and rebuild.

W